Animadversions.

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Battlestar Galactica: The Final Reveal

March 3rd, 2009 · 1 Comment · Movies

With three episodes to go, I feel it’s safe for me to let you all in on the BIG SECRETS left to be unveiled as the series wraps up. How do I know these things? Well, I am an Entertainment Industry Insider, with access to all manner of curious things.

But it would be unfair for me to just come right out and TELL you exactly what’s going to happen, so - instead - I will tell you that ONE of the following endings is true:

1) That Mustache Feeling - Galactica - forced, against the advice of Chief Galen, to jump in order to escape an attack by the non-human Cylons - re-emerges wildly off-target. The rest of the fleet is nowhere to be seen. The ship’s hull is breached and Galactica is being torn apart at the seams. Lee Adama sits - shirtless and quiet - in President Roslin’s office. He is gorging himself on cake and weeping. The remaining crew run about screaming, drinking and fornicating while Hendrix music booms in the background. Admiral Adama - having grown a full beard over the past few weeks - stands in front of his bathroom mirror and somberly begins to shave one last time. The scene lasts for two and a half hours. As he removes the last bits of his mustache, Galactica implodes. For, you see, Earth was Adama’s mustache all along.

2) Time Bandits - Hera gives Starbuck a crazy picture featuring more notes. She and her imaginary Space Father sit down and play the music from the new drawing and - upon striking the final note - Galactica is thrown into a wormhole, only to emerge in orbit around Earth - OUR Earth - circa 1979. As the ship’s communications come back on line, they’re just in time to catch the final broadcast of the ORGINAL Battlestar Galactica. Baltar appears on the bridge, peels off his face and is secretly Bob Newhart underneath.

3) The One With Religious Stuff - The hologram guy from Quantum Leap is thrown out of an airlock (symbolizing the Cylons’ rejection of evil or godhood or science or something). A bunch of stupid, pseudo-religious nonsense happens with the Final Five, resulting is Saul Tigh killing his wife again (symbolizing the Cylons’ humanity or poor design or something about original sin or some such). Doofus comes out of his coma just in time to reveal that there’s a NEW Earth out there. Galactica - falling apart and out of algae - has the chance to make one, final jump. Roslin, with her dying breath, orders the jump. The fleet emerges in low orbit over the “NEW Earth”, which is blue and full of lush vegetation. The survivors cheer and embrace tearfully. As they celebrate, the camera pulls away - out of the bridge, out of Galactica, out of the fleet, down through the New Earth’s atmosphere. As the camera descends, familiar continents appear below. We zoom lower, heading for North America, then to America itself, flying north along the Eastern seaboard. The camera slows and something becomes visible on the beach below. It’s a man. In a loin-cloth, kneeling in the surf and screaming at the heavens. In front of him, the half-buried remnants of the Statue of Liberty. Roll credits.

That’s it. One of those three WILL happen. Trust me, I’m from The Entertainment Industry.

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1 response so far ↓

  • 1 ralf // Mar 3, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    ‘You’ve ruined everything….you….ruiner!’

    I had heard that Gaeta comes back and he has a pig for a leg. Starbuck develops the ability to control furniture with her mind, and enslaves Apollo in the Galaxy’s Most Comfortable Chair. And that the Cylons develop a weapon that reduces its victims to blathering idiots, only able to speak high-school French.

    Really, ‘Alternate Reality’ Battlestar should be a meme.

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