Animadversions.

The weblog of Joshua Drescher

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Your one-stop shop for Sen. Tim Johnson Stroke Opinions.

December 13th, 2006 · No Comments · Politics, Rants

From CNN earlier today:

Sen. Tim Johnson, D-South Dakota, was hospitalized Wednesday after he suffered stroke-like symptoms in his Washington office.

Should Johnson not be able to complete his term, which ends in 2008, South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds, a Republican, could appoint his replacement, which could shift the balance of power in the Senate.

Now, many of you are going to immediately jump to the conclusion that this unfortunate incident opens the doors for a dramatic bit of political nastiness. This is a perfectly reasonable and understandable response. For those of you who are not jumping to such conclusions and are instead harboring some simple form of legitimate concern for Senator Johnson’s well-being, SHAME ON YOU. It is the duty of every thinking person to ignore the humane demands of sympathy in any and all times where partisan rancor and muck-raking can prevail in its place.

To that end, I feel obligated to provide you with some ready-made partisan responses.

Basic responses for Democrats:

Unflinching Optimism - Tim Johnson’s one tough hombre. He beat cancer a few years back and, by God, he’ll beat this too. And even if the worst DOES happen and he’s forced to vacate the seat, Governor Mike Rounds is a smart, decent man whose personal integrity and sharp political wits will prevent him from deliberately undermining the will of his constituents. Onward to glory with the Senate Class 2007!

Pre-emptive Indignation - That bastard Mike Rounds is going to fuck us over, right before our moment of triumph - you just KNOW it. Somehow, this is all Howard Dean’s fault. That maniac should’ve been there to stop this from happening - the man IS a doctor after all.

Obligatory Conspiracy Option - I can’t BELIEVE the Republicans are so desperate to retain control of the Senate that they made poor Tim Johnson have a stroke. They probably used POLONIUM that Bush got from Putin. The murdering, fascist bastards!

Basic responses for Republicans:

Utter Jubilation - A Christmas Miracle comes to the Republicans during our hour of need! Yes, the Baby Jesus himself has hopped out of his manger and kicked into gear a process that may very well allow the GOP to maintain control of the Senate in January. While it’s certainly unfortunate that the cost of such an unexpected turn of good fortune may be a human life, at least it’s not the life of something important - like a five-day-old blastocyst with no nervous system of any kind.

Unmitigated Terror - If Mike Rounds replaces Johnson with a Republican, we’re completely doomed. We’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch lately and it would be nice to just keep our heads down for a year or so and mend some fences. But NO. We have to be tempted with a chance to steal back the Senate. It’s okay to steal elections through voter intimidation, smear campaigns, Gerrymandering and the OCCASIONAL falsification of an electronic ballot - those tactics are plausibly deniable! But overtly and undeniably opposing the will of the people on a state AND national level by appointing some partisan crony in place of a beloved, fallen incumbent? That might make it REALLY hard for us to keep quiet and blame the ongoing War in Iran - er… Iraq on the Democrats in 2008, just prior to trying to steal the Presidential election.

Obligatory Conspiracy Option - I can’t BELIEVE the Democrats are so desperate to get Hillary Clinton (and her son-of-an-illegal-alien running-mate Gaybortion Flagburno) elected in 2008 that they made poor Tim Johnson have a stroke. They KNOW we can’t resist making cynical, underhanded grabs for power at any opportunity, even when it will almost certainly condemn us in the minds of the public. They probably used Al Gore’s Weather Control Ray to do it!

So there you have it. A complete battery of possible responses to this terrible, terrible tragedy. You owe it to Senator Johnson to get out there and find a way for this incident to divide us as a nation. After all, that’s the American way.

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