Animadversions.

The weblog of Joshua Drescher

Animadversions. header image 2

Initiate Tin Foil Hat Deployment!

March 6th, 2007 · 1 Comment · Politics, Rants

Scooter Libby found guilty

+

Cheney potentially stepping down over a blood-clot

=

HRMMM…

Cheney’s heart (such as it is) has nearly exploded roughly fifteen times so far without so much as causing him to miss a friendly-fire hunting trip, but a blood clot in his LEG might force him to quit? Color me unconvinced.

Maybe I’ve been horribly, horribly crippled over the past six years and my default response to everything is complete paranoia and suspicion, but the timing just seems so weird on this one. The connection is almost TOO obvious. It makes you wonder if it’s designed to distract us from something far more nefarious. Something like:

VICE PRESIDENT MITT ROMNEY

Let me step you through it:

There have been rumblings of a potential Condie Rice appointment if it becomes necessary to replace the “ailing” Darth Cheney. But why her? Sure, she’s loyal and loves a good, old-fashioned purposeless war, but she’s not exactly the face of the modern GOP. I mean… she’s… YOU KNOW… Unmarried.

Oh, and African American. And a woman. But MOSTLY, she’s unmarried.

Moving on:

The two frontrunners for the Democratic nomination for 2008 are a woman and an African American. Like it or not, a fair number of people will back one or the other based on those elements alone. How better to take the wind out of either sail than by making an African American woman Vice President before the primaries even get started? This will almost certainly hurt Obama more than Clinton, as much of his novelty stems from his being a “comfortable” choice for white liberals who want to be willing to vote for a black candidate, but who just haven’t managed to pull it off thus far. Hillary Clinton - with her massive war chest and ferocious hunger for human flesh - will almost certainly demolish Obama once his minority cred is stripped away and all that’s left is his fresh-faced optimism and his secret pack-a-day smoking habit. So Hillary gets the nod, giving the GOP the divisive Democratic opponent they need in order to win the general election.

But, of course, it gets weirder still. After all, what good conspiracy would end with simply destroying a single man’s first shot at ultimate power?

Which brings us to the potential (hell, LIKELIHOOD bordering on certainty) of Rice being groomed to rocket ahead of the non-neo-con GOP frontrunner, Rudy Giuliani.

Having failed to get a “decent” fundamentalist, homophobic, super-hawk into the early stages of the campaign, The Party will simply take matters into its own hands and elevate one of their chosen acolytes to frontrunner status.

Hillary Clinton will lose a bunch of liberal-guilt votes to Condie, as voting for an African American woman for president is TWICE as open-minded and progressive as voting for a plain, old-fashioned white woman. Condie ALSO maintains (albeit grudgingly) all of the Toby Kieth/tax cut/homophobe/NASCAR/war monger voters. I mean, what’re they going to do? Vote for Hillary Clinton? Vote for a third party candidate (and THROOOOW their votes away)?

So, to review:

  • Libby takes a dive to get the sharks to start circling Cheney.
  • Cheney steps down under unimaginably weird circumstances.
  • Rice steps in.
  • In so doing, she strips Clinton and Obama of their novelty.
  • Hillary crushes the newly-de-novelled Obama. She probably also ruins John Edwards’ entire life somehow. Possibly via Second Life.
  • Rice is crowned the Candidate by the Party (primaries be damned - see also: Primary 2000), using God-knows-what creepy photos, wire-taps and falsified DNA evidence to get Rudy to flake out and quit the race.
  • Mitt Romney accepts Rice’s offer to be her running mate.

And just like that, eight more years of it.

Sweet Robot Jesus. It all MAKES SENSE. WE’RE DOOOOOMED!!!

Or maybe I jut need a nap.

Tags:

1 response so far ↓

  • 1 MShades // Mar 7, 2007 at 7:46 am

    Now that’s just eerie. I’m going to bookmark this and keep an eye on the news….

You must log in to post a comment.