The weblog of Joshua Drescher

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Seriously, America.

January 21st, 2008 · No Comments · Politics

Did anyone - ANYONE AT ALL - think they’d EVER live to see a headline like this from a major news outlet:

[Chuck] Norris: McCain may be too old for the White House

I have no words:

Norris, an ardent supporter of Mike Huckabee, told reporters he believes serving as president accelerates the aging process 3-to-1.

“If John takes over the presidency at 72 and he ages 3-to-1, how old will he be in four years? Eighty-four years old — and can he handle that kind of pressure in that job?” Norris said, as Huckabee looked on.

Okay, I lied. I have words. Those words are WHAT THE HOLY LIVING HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Chuck fuckin’ Norris has apparently done some sort of Walker Texas Bio-prognosticator experiment that has empirically proven that the White House is surrounded by a time-distortion field that moves 300% faster than the normal space-time continuum. And the story gets picked up by AN ACTUAL NEWS ORGANIZATION. Are you KIDDING me, CNN?

I thought we’d maxed out our action-hero-involved-in-politics embarrassment quotient when Jesse “The Body” Ventura was elected governor of an ACTUAL STATE a decade ago. But then the poor, desperate folks of KULL-EE-FORE-NEE-UH elected Governor Ah-nold. But at least those were isolated, state-specific incidents of WTF nonsense. Can we - as a free and democratic people - ACTUALLY survive in a world where the opinion of Chuck Norris matters in any way NOT related to some sort of TV-exclusive ab-crunching exercise device?

Can you even IMAGINE what it would be like to have a president who goes on vacation at CHUCK NORRIS’ RANCH during holidays? In a totally non-ironic fashion, mind you. I think we’d have to just decide not to talk to anyone from any other country until that administration ended. We would ACTUALLY look back at the G. W. Bush days with NOSTALGIC longing.

Ye gods.


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